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I confess, I was looking forward to the release of Grand Theft Auto Four–it was all a lot of us could even talk about.  Every time you opened a game mag or watched a video, every time you read a game blog, or even if you were one of the couple dozen people who still watched X-Play, you were sure to hear something about this game, and the inevitable word was a series of slobbering superlatives as commentator after commentator fought all over themselves to see who could praise it the fastest, the loudest, and the most sincerely.

And now that it’s about to get a major new expansion pack, The Lost and the Damned, I figured now would be a good time to go back and talk about the original.  I, however, will NOT be using a lot of flowery language.

First, a recap of the plot for those few of you who haven’t yet tried it–you play as Niko Bellic, a recent transplant from an Eastern European country fresh off the boat in Liberty City.  He, like a lot of other immigrants, has come in search of that great American Dream: life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, a fresh start, and all the gusto you can grab.  Yes, it’s the kind of thing that makes you believe in America again…at least until things start going south for Niko right away.  He’s come for his cousin, Roman, whom he believes has made good already in the land of hope and dreams.  But Roman’s tales of wealth and success were gravely exaggerated–Roman’s up to his eyes in debt, and he’s desperate for an edge: an edge shaped suspiciously like his cousin Niko.  Thus, Niko will be working as his cousin’s protector and enforcer as the two of them try to make their fortunes in Liberty City.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear from the get go.  A lot of the flowery language this game got is well deserved.  The graphics are amazing, the gameplay is spectacularly fluid and intuitive, and that plot is straight out of some of the best of literature.  Anton Chekhov himself might well have written something like this if he’d been alive to see it.  Perhaps best–and yet, perhaps worst, more on that later–is the incredible variety of missions and options you’ve got to work with in this huge monster of a game.

This may be the biggest problem of Grand Theft Auto 4: sheer option overload.  Of course, you’ll have the full array of missions–kill this guy, kill that guy, kill all THESE guys, get this guy here, run protection, run the rackets, and so on and so forth.  A veritable criminal encyclopedia is available in this game, and you’ll get to try it all.  When you’re not out engaging in the criminal lifestyle, you’ll have a panoply of options to try out in Liberty City proper–strip clubs, comedy clubs, bowling alleys, bars, or just drive around.  Going to a strip club and getting a lap dance isn’t just a cheesy exercise in pointless graphic titillation anymore, kids–lap dances will now cause your controller’s vibration function to work in sync with the dancer.

Oh, and you’ll have a series of radio stations to pick from while you’re in the car, and you’ll also have a wide array of cars to get your hands on.  And then there’s your cell phone, which lets you make calls, receive missions, take pictures, and, get this, download songs from Amazon.  Maybe after all this you’ve just decided to crawl under the bed and never leave your house again.  That’s actually a possibility in this game, as you’ll have access to a fake Internet and a series of TV shows.  You can actually sit around the house in Grand Theft Auto 4, checking out a Craigslist-esque dating site and watching Republican Space Rangers.

At this point, the chronically indecisive among my readership have just wet themselves and are curled up in the fetal position whimpering for their mothers.

Of course, with all these options, you can expect plenty of conflict.  Your cousin Roman will call you on your cell incessantly, asking if you want to go out and do things.  Numerous webcomics have already made fun of this.  You will now be able to get a call on your cell phone, from your girlfriend, during a gunfight.  Movies have been made around less, and it’s just one teeny tiny part of Grand Theft Auto 4.

This may be the biggest problem, and yet, the biggest joy about Grand Theft Auto 4.  If you can handle the sheer option overload, you’ll absolutely love this game.  For the indecisive…well…this one’s not for you.