Legendary Game Review–I Only Wish It Were
Curiosity has always killed cats. And maybe the best example of curiosity that killed the cat is in the old legend of Pandora’s Box. Mentioning this legend, surprisingly, allows me to segue in nicely to a review of Legendary, recently released for Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and on PC.
The storyline behind Legendary is a real mouthful in and of itself. First, Legendary will treat us to a retelling of the original Pandora’s Box legend, in which Zeus himself presents Pandora with an unusual wedding present–a box containing all the evil that’s ever existed and provides strict orders not to ever open the box, but keep it as a kind of keepsake. What, silverware or small appliances just out of line there, Zeus? You chuck thunderbolts around the way we toss a baseball but you can’t be bothered to drag your godly ass down to Bed Bath and Beyond and get the newlyweds a MELON BALLER or something? No, it’s GOT to be a BOX FULL OF EVIL for you…. Anyway, Pandora, of course, is overcome by curiosity and opens the box, unleashing evil on the world.
The game will render that whole description a perfect waste of time by postulating that, in this world, Pandora’s Box is a real life artifact thingy easily on par with the Ark of the Covenant, in that it will shoot out mystical energies that set people on fire, and also summon legions of monsters to wreak havoc on the earth. Thus, as is generally the case with mystical thingies that can set human flesh on fire, it’s been warred after for years by various countries and factions with silly names like the Council of 98 and the Black Order. The Council of 98 were the last ones to have possession of said mystical thingy, but someone, possibly an intern, misplaced it and now absolutely no one knows where this thing is. Until one day, when for reasons that will never be explained unless I missed that part, it resurfaces in a museum in New York. The Black Order, wanting to show up the Council of 98 and get their hands on the human flesh burner, sends in master thief for hire Charles Deckard to reclaim the box.
It should come as no surprise to anyone that he then opens the box, and now has to return the monstrosities to the box and do it all before the Black Order can seize control of them and rule the world.
The best way to describe this is that Legendary has a plotline that’s unnecessarily complex for yet another first person shooter. You’ve already played this game, folks, just with a few different characters and baddies to kill. It’s an absolute crying shame that this kind of thing is still being released—I don’t know how many times I’ve played what amounts to the same game on my Xbox, and I don’t know how the companies that make them sleep at night knowing they’re continually pumping the same drivel into the market with little or no difference in the one that came before it.
Of course, there ARE a couple significant differences in Legendary’s gameplay—first, you have the ability to heal yourself by sucking in Animus magic and using it to heal, or as a weapon if you prefer. Second, the controls are patently godawful, and aiming your numerous handguns is a downright joke. I found myself swinging way too far left or right, and there’s no reason that ONE ENEMY should require an entire pistol magazine to bring down as early as LEVEL ONE.
For those that suggest that Legendary is little more than a playable movie, I find myself largely unable to disagree with them. I got much the same feeling as I walked through the levels, waiting for the next cut scene to hit. And there sure seemed like a LOT of cut scenes.
It’s bad enough that Legendary is derivative, but it’s downright insulting that it couldn’t have done any better with its ripping off than this. I am ashamed on developer Gamecock Media’s behalf, and I had nothing to do with them.