Stalin vs. Martians review — even die hard commies should avoid
Stalin vs Martians, is one of the most innovative game titles to date. No, not the game, just the title, yes, the title of the game, “Stalin vs Martians”. It stands out quite nicely among the PR created stuff like “Prototype”, “InFamous” and “Velvet Assassin”. As for the game, Stalin Vs Martians, it’s useless and utterly ridiculous.
In Stalin Vs. Martians, henceforth to be known as SvM, you take control over the Red Army (back when there still was a Red Army, in 1942), and you fight an invading force of Martians. That’s right, Hitler and the Germans are on hold, Stalingrad is second priority, as you, Stalin himself, commands units against the invading green-skinned, baddies from Mars. Actually, there is no story in the game. How the Martians got there, why they’re fighting the Reds instead of the Nazis, all of that is absent from the game, you’re simply ordered by the game to fight Martians. Why? Who knows. And with a game like this, who cares, really?
The game is a standard real time strategy game, no, actually, it’s not, it lacks some of the most basic RTS features. This is done in order to “preserve simplicity”, according to the developer. Or a press release. Either way, the RTS element sucks, because, well, the units don’t care what you order them to do. Command them to attack, and they just stand around there. If it was the real Red Army, they would have been executed — all of my units would have been executed — because they failed to follow my orders. You play as Stalin, after all. But the units could care less. Even when the basic stuff works, the gameplay is utterly boring and repetitive.
But once, just for once, for a brief moment lasting no longer than five minutes, something shocking happened: I actually had fun playing the game. Then the game started lagging. Then the frame rate showed periodic, random drops that would make it completely unplayable. And then there’s the bugs.
How a game this buggy got to be released as beyond me. It feels like an alpha build, something that should be tested internally for months, then released as a beta, then tested for several more months, then, hopefully, released. But all of that is an understatement of how buggy the game is.
The developer clearly had a thing in mind with a title like that: don’t take us or our game too seriously, gives us a break. No, I won’t. When the most basic features of your game are lacking, when it’s downright unplayable at times, and when it’s filled with so many bugs that would make any programmer instantly fired, you don’t get a break, no matter how unserious your game is.
Even if you are a fanatic Communist and Stalin fan, I still wouldn’t recommend this game. If you’re insane however, and need to prove your insanity to others, just tell them you’re playing Stalin vs. Martians. In fact, tell them it’s the best game ever.
The Good:
The title
The Bad:
Dated graphics
Repetitive
Buggy
Laggy
July 15th, 2009 at 8:37 pm
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