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Stalin vs. Martians review — even die hard commies should avoid

Stalin vs Martians, is one of the most innovative game titles to date. No, not the game, just the title, yes, the title of the game, “Stalin vs Martians”. It stands out quite nicely among the PR created stuff like “Prototype”, “InFamous” and “Velvet Assassin”. As for the game, Stalin Vs Martians, it’s useless and utterly ridiculous.

In Stalin Vs. Martians, henceforth to be known as SvM, you take control over the Red Army (back when there still was a Red Army, in 1942), and you fight an invading force of Martians. That’s right, Hitler and the Germans are on hold, Stalingrad is second priority, as you, Stalin himself, commands units against the invading green-skinned, baddies from Mars. Actually, there is no story in the game. How the Martians got there, why they’re fighting the Reds instead of the Nazis, all of that is absent from the game, you’re simply ordered by the game to fight Martians. Why? Who knows. And with a game like this, who cares, really?

The game is a standard real time strategy game, no, actually, it’s not, it lacks some of the most basic RTS features. This is done in order to “preserve simplicity”, according to the developer. Or a press release. Either way, the RTS element sucks, because, well, the units don’t care what you order them to do. Command them to attack, and they just stand around there. If it was the real Red Army, they would have been executed — all of my units would have been executed — because they failed to follow my orders. You play as Stalin, after all. But the units could care less. Even when the basic stuff works, the gameplay is utterly boring and repetitive.

But once, just for once, for a brief moment lasting no longer than five minutes, something shocking happened: I actually had fun playing the game. Then the game started lagging. Then the frame rate showed periodic, random drops that would make it completely unplayable. And then there’s the bugs.

How a game this buggy got to be released as beyond me. It feels like an alpha build, something that should be tested internally for months, then released as a beta, then tested for several more months, then, hopefully, released. But all of that is an understatement of how buggy the game is.

The developer clearly had a thing in mind with a title like that: don’t take us or our game too seriously, gives us a break. No, I won’t. When the most basic features of your game are lacking, when it’s downright unplayable at times, and when it’s filled with so many bugs that would make any programmer instantly fired, you don’t get a break, no matter how unserious your game is.

Even if you are a fanatic Communist and Stalin fan, I still wouldn’t recommend this game. If you’re insane however, and need to prove your insanity to others, just tell them you’re playing Stalin vs. Martians. In fact, tell them it’s the best game ever.

The Good:
The title

The Bad:
Dated graphics
Repetitive
Buggy
Laggy

C&C 4 needs internet connection to work

Here’s something that is sure to piss a few people off — Community Leader APOC has recently said that you will need to have a constant internet connection to play Command & Conquer 4:

“As of right now, you need to be online all the time to play C&C 4. This is primarily due to our “player progression” feature so everything can be tracked. C&C 4 is not an MMO in the sense of World of Warcraft, but conceptually it has similar principles for being online all the time. While some may be taken aback by this, we’ve been testing this feature internally with all of our world-wide markets.”

He then goes on to point out that this won’t be a big deal as it won’t require high-speed connections and won’t cause any lag in single-player gameplay. Hell, you can even use one an oldschool 56k connection because who needs phone calls, anyways?

ThatVideoGameBlog points out that this seems eerily like a ploy to hide the fact that EA will use a constant internet connection as a way to prevent piracy rather than using DRM.

Dawn of War 2 “There is Only War” live until Sunday

The beta for the Dawn of War 2 update patch “There is Only War” will be coming to an end tomorrow. After this date, Relic will no longer be able to “react to and implement feedback” about the game.

However, it turns out that the beta will still be available to download and play until next Sunday. Maybe Relic decided this would be the best route to compensate for the beta’s initial delay.

“There is Only War” includes eight unreleased multiplayer maps, balance changes, bug fixes, and a map editor. The beta patch is available on Steam if you haven’t already tried it out. It requires the standalone Dawn of War 2 to play.

Read (Dawn of War 2 Community Site)

Halo Wars Title Update 3 patch notes

The third Title Update for Halo Wars is due to be released in the next few weeks, and Bungie has released patch notes for the update. Some of the main issues fixed include balance changes and general bug fixes. The full list follows:

Balance Changes:

• UNSC Warthogs Gauss cannon damage against tanks and other heavily armored vehicles reduced by 25%
• UNSC Warthogs build time increased by 3 seconds to 25 seconds
• Anders research time bonus decreased to 25% from 50%. Her Research cost bonus remains unchanged at 50%
• Covenant and UNSC turrets have 5% increased health and 5% increased damage
• UNSC Elephants have a 20% more health
• Grenade damage type now has 25% additonal damage against Warthogs and other medium armor ground vehicles.
• Recycle basic cost return fixed to be 50% for constructed buildings.
• Locked down bases when unlocked will now release units inside very quickly, which means that when under attack a player can now build a fighting force while locked down and then release them much more quickly than before
• UNSC Leader powers disabled at the start of Reinforcement Matches
• Players no longer receive points for team killing.
• Self Destructing/Recycling buildings now gives points to opponents

Bug Fixes:

• Players should now find it much easier to play System Link games
• Fixed Covenant Shield Generator Exploit
• Invisible Units should now have invisible health bars
• Players will no longer be able to scout opposing bases by using the area-select tool

Read (Official Halo Wars Community Site)

Command and Conquer officially confirmed, new screenshot

Yesterday, Electronic Arts accidentally revealed the new Command and Conquer game, but today it has been made official, along with a beautiful gameplay screen. Coming out next year, Command and Conquer 4 will be bringing the Tiberium saga to a conclusive end.

The game will be taking place after the events of the third game and will finally answer all of the questions for the series, including the fate of Earth, Nod, Tiberium, GDI, and even Kane’s motivations.

The campaign modes will be playable in both single player and cooperative modes. In addition to the epic storyline, the game will also feature a new 5v5 objective-based multiplayer mode. If you’re looking for a trailer, it will be unveiled on July 24th. We will have more information as details are revealed.

Read (Press Release)

EA accidentally announces Command & Conquer 4

EA’s European PR department accidentally Twittered the following message (with a bit of CAPS fever): “EA LOS ANGELES ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF COMMAND & CONQUER 4″. It also linked to an official press released regarding the game, which has since been taken down. Obviously, we’re not surprised, Command & Conquer is one of the great RTS franchises, albeit the last few games (including the Red Alert ones), haven’t lived up to its predecessors.

Blizzard says no LAN in Starcraft II is best idea

There was somwhat of an uproar from the community when Blizzard announced that they would not be featuring LAN support in their forthcoming RTS, Starcraft II.

Below is their reasoning for removing LAN, mentioning Battle.net and piracy:

“We don’t currently plan to support LAN play with StarCraft II, as we are building Battle.net to be the ideal destination for multiplayer gaming with StarCraft II and future Blizzard Entertainment games,” confirms a Blizzard rep. “While this was a difficult decision for us, we felt that moving away from LAN play and directing players to our upgraded Battle.net service was the best option to ensure a quality multiplayer experience with StarCraft II and safeguard against piracy.

“Several Battle.net features like advanced communication options, achievements, stat-tracking, and more, require players to be connected to the service, so we’re encouraging everyone to use Battle.net as much as possible to get the most out of StarCraft II. We’re looking forward to sharing more details about Battle.net and online functionality for StarCraft II in the near future.”

Regardless if its the best idea or not, Starccraft II is sure to be a highly competitve game which means a lot of tournaments. Without LAN tournament organizers are going to have 1 more problem to deal with, bummer.

Read (Destructoid)

WoW held up StarCraft 2 progress

It’s just not Blizzard’s day today, is it? Word comes from Eurogamer that the studio held up the release of its highly anticipated sequel to StarCraft for World of Warcraft.

Rob Pardo told the site that development on the sequel had begun in 2003 and that there had been a playable build since 2005. However, it was held up due to the appearance of World of Warcraft which saw a fair amount of the design team moving to MMO project to help finish the game.

Apparently, these people had lots of great experience and had knowledge and know-how to fix map editor problems, as well as dealing with balancing.

Now you know who to hate for holding up StarCraft 2. The original was released back in 1998. It’s been eleven years since then.

Blizzard: no LAN support in StarCraft 2

Sure to strike legions of stinky nerds who like to huddle in a single, hot room to play videogames competitively, it appears that Blizzard does not have any plans to add LAN multiplayer support to StarCraft 2.

This comes from different previews of the game on Kotaku and IncGamers, both of whom checked out the new Battle.net, the solo campaign and more. When they asked about multiplayer LAN play, this is what they received as an answer: “We will not support it.”

The studio additionally pointed out that there is “zero percent” chance of seeing the game on consoles.

If the news got you down, Joystiq adds salt to the wound by showing seven minutes of multiplayer play from the game. Go cry in the corner, you.

Budding presidentes vie for Tropico 3 beta

Time to bust out your dictatorial skills, as developer Haemimont Games is now accepting beta applications from budding Presidentes for a closed test for the Banana republic simulator Tropico 3.

The beta is set to begin July 13. A standard form awaits your response, though you might want to refrain from unleashing your dictatorship on anyone until you get in.

Tropico 3 is set for release in Europe on PC and Xbox 360 this September. No North American publisher has been brave enough to take a flight to the banana republic yet, so Americans will have to wait a bit longer.

Worms 2 coming to XBLA on July 1

Team 17’s hilarious 2D multiplayer “shooter” Worms 2: Armageddon is coming to Xbox Live Arcade. Originally released 1999 as a successor to Worms Armageddon, Xbox Live owners will on July 1 get a chance to (re)live one of the best Worms games to date. It will retail for $10 (800 MS Points) on XBLA.

Command & Conquer 4 In Development Suggests Survey

I admit to having no interest in the genre, but I often find myself pitying RTS fans due to the long lag time between releases of titles worth playing. With some PC games if you purchased a top of the line system when the original came out you might still be able to play the sequel. If you still had your PC from when Starcraft was released it’d probably struggle to load the trailer for Starcraft 2.

Luckily for RTS fans a survey suggests development has begun on Command and Conquer 4, the final chapter in the Tiberium saga begun nearly fifteen years ago in the original title. The RTS classic comes back with some new changes and improvements. They’re boasting the Crawler, the first ever mobile base in an RTS game (yes, there have been games where the base could move, but presumably this one can move and still retain all its other functions while doing so) as well as some RPG flavors to the game.

As players battle in any mode, whether single player, multiplayer or skirmish they’ll gain experience points which allow you to unlock new units, abilities, equipment and upgrades to take the fight harder to your opponents in your next battle. Cooperative campaigns are making a comeback so players can get a friend in on the action as well in addition to huge five on five multiplayer matches with new objective modes as well as the standard gameplay.

None of these features are exactly confirmed though since they’re all simply mentioned in the survey, but since the Crawler is mentioned in the headline I’m guessing that’s a big favorite.

No cake for you: Fat Princess delayed!

The cake was a lie! Or at least it is a lie this month, as Titan Studios’ downloadable PS3 game Fat Princess has been delayed until later in the summer.

Writing on the European PlayStation Blog, PS Store team member Mike Kebby forwarded the bad news, though he did note that cake will be had by people all over the world once the game is released.

"The game is coming at some point this summer, but there is no confirmed release date at the moment," he wrote.

Have cake and carry fat princesses soon. The game is also in development for PSP.

Huge Dawn of War 2 update coming

Relic has announced a huge update for the RTS Dawn of War 2. The update will bring new features, gameplay tweaks and new content, which is said to be a whopping 8 new maps, ranging from 1v1 to 3v3 player sizes. An open beta will be held for the patch early next month

Hell’s Kitchen Game Review–Another Game That Shouldn’t Be Fun

When I first got my hands on a copy of Hell’s Kitchen for the Wii, I was pretty convinced that there was no way this could be entertaining.  I mean, for crying out loud, you ever see that show?  It’s just some British guy screaming profanity for an hour while other people cook.  And yet, somehow, despite all reason and good common sense, this game is unaccountably fun.  There’s no two ways about it; Hell’s Kitchen is fun, but it probably shouldn’t be.

Basically, in Hell’s Kitchen, much like the show you take on the role of an aspiring chef in the none too tender mercies of Gordon Ramsay. You’ll manage a kitchen and a dining room, seating patrons, taking orders, preparing and detailing food to be served.  Actually, you’ll just tell a waiter what to do by pointing and clicking with your Wiimote.   Everything you’ll do, from mixing ingredients to clearing dishes, is done by pointing and clicking the Wiimote.

You may be wondering how such a game could be on the Wii in the first place, let alone merely rated T, because as anyone who’s actually seen the show knows watching it on network TV ends up with it sounding like a Morse code tutorial as designed by someone on a whole lot of meth.  But they actually managed to pull it off by A. continuing the grand tradition of bleeping out any and all of Ramsay’s profane dialogue and B. making the game itself little more than a casual computer game knockoff with licensing bonuses.  Playing Hell’s Kitchen felt like nothing so much as a particularly deep episode of Diner Dash.

On the one hand, a casual game like Diner Dash is pretty well suited to the Wii’s admittedly inferior graphics capabiliities and control scheme that focuses on the point and click.  Adding on a license like Hell’s Kitchen actually boosts the credibility of things a bit, and gives it a connection to something people are already familiar with.  There’s also a really interesting strategy element here that bears mentioning–dishes are all made differently, and you may have three or four dishes to process per table.  Thus, you’ll have to figure out which ingredients you need, and in which order you need them.  You may need, for example, two eggs, three fruits and two grains.  If you’re smart you’ll already have one of each pre-made before you even start.  But then you’ll have to start preparing ingredients on the fly, seeing which dishes will take longest to prepare and taking advantage of the time lag to prepare the other ingredients.  Plus you’ll have to do the whole thing on the fly under a time limit.

See what I mean?  Despite the fact that this game is fairly simple there’s a lot of different permutations involved here, and getting your head around all of them can be downright difficult.  That dichotomy is actually kind of weird, and adds to the fun factor.  This game shouldn’t be this complex.  Or this entertaining.  And yet, it is.  There’s an odd sort of compulsion to this game that makes you long to jam your success in Ramsay’s smirking little maw and make it all the way to master chef.

And you’ll get the chance to do exactly that here. Even better, you’ll get actual recipes that you can try if you’re desperate to make an incredibly complex dish (seriously, there’s a recipe for a salad that requires BLANCHING vegetables.  I took one look at it and said, no, I think I’ll just cut some lettuce.).  But the key thing is, Hell’s Kitchen is a hell of a game.