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Hell’s Kitchen Game Review–Another Game That Shouldn’t Be Fun

When I first got my hands on a copy of Hell’s Kitchen for the Wii, I was pretty convinced that there was no way this could be entertaining.  I mean, for crying out loud, you ever see that show?  It’s just some British guy screaming profanity for an hour while other people cook.  And yet, somehow, despite all reason and good common sense, this game is unaccountably fun.  There’s no two ways about it; Hell’s Kitchen is fun, but it probably shouldn’t be.

Basically, in Hell’s Kitchen, much like the show you take on the role of an aspiring chef in the none too tender mercies of Gordon Ramsay. You’ll manage a kitchen and a dining room, seating patrons, taking orders, preparing and detailing food to be served.  Actually, you’ll just tell a waiter what to do by pointing and clicking with your Wiimote.   Everything you’ll do, from mixing ingredients to clearing dishes, is done by pointing and clicking the Wiimote.

You may be wondering how such a game could be on the Wii in the first place, let alone merely rated T, because as anyone who’s actually seen the show knows watching it on network TV ends up with it sounding like a Morse code tutorial as designed by someone on a whole lot of meth.  But they actually managed to pull it off by A. continuing the grand tradition of bleeping out any and all of Ramsay’s profane dialogue and B. making the game itself little more than a casual computer game knockoff with licensing bonuses.  Playing Hell’s Kitchen felt like nothing so much as a particularly deep episode of Diner Dash.

On the one hand, a casual game like Diner Dash is pretty well suited to the Wii’s admittedly inferior graphics capabiliities and control scheme that focuses on the point and click.  Adding on a license like Hell’s Kitchen actually boosts the credibility of things a bit, and gives it a connection to something people are already familiar with.  There’s also a really interesting strategy element here that bears mentioning–dishes are all made differently, and you may have three or four dishes to process per table.  Thus, you’ll have to figure out which ingredients you need, and in which order you need them.  You may need, for example, two eggs, three fruits and two grains.  If you’re smart you’ll already have one of each pre-made before you even start.  But then you’ll have to start preparing ingredients on the fly, seeing which dishes will take longest to prepare and taking advantage of the time lag to prepare the other ingredients.  Plus you’ll have to do the whole thing on the fly under a time limit.

See what I mean?  Despite the fact that this game is fairly simple there’s a lot of different permutations involved here, and getting your head around all of them can be downright difficult.  That dichotomy is actually kind of weird, and adds to the fun factor.  This game shouldn’t be this complex.  Or this entertaining.  And yet, it is.  There’s an odd sort of compulsion to this game that makes you long to jam your success in Ramsay’s smirking little maw and make it all the way to master chef.

And you’ll get the chance to do exactly that here. Even better, you’ll get actual recipes that you can try if you’re desperate to make an incredibly complex dish (seriously, there’s a recipe for a salad that requires BLANCHING vegetables.  I took one look at it and said, no, I think I’ll just cut some lettuce.).  But the key thing is, Hell’s Kitchen is a hell of a game.

Battalion Wars 2 Game Review–A Third Person Shooter With Bells And Whistles

I had heard vague stirrings of goodness about the Battalion Wars series for some time, so when I found a copy of Battalion Wars 2 on the Wii, I thought I’d found a real winner.  See, when I first took a whack at this I thought I was going to play an actual RTS on the Wii.  That really perked my interest–for crying out loud, TELL me the Wiimote and nunchuk aren’t just perfectly suited to a point-and-click style interface.  Seriously, try and tell me that.

But anyway, you can just about imagine my surprise when I didn’t get a map-driven point-and-click strategy simulation game, but rather a third-person shooter.

We start our little affair in the midst of a battle between the Iron Legion and the Solar Empire.  The Iron Legion is about to literally hand the entire world its own ass by knocking out the last functioning army left on the field.  Only a last-ditch effort by a single brave soldier can save the entire planet from being ground under the Iron Legion’s massive, heavy boot heel.  Fast forward a few years–the Solar Empire has been living in relative peace, but all that is about to change when the Anglo Isles, another area power, gets word that the Solar Empire was working on a new kind of superweapon.  The Anglo Isles forces launch an all-out assault, which you must repel.  And this is only the beginning of a massive and world-sweeping plot…but who’s behind it?  Only by playing through a series of battles all over the planet will you manage to find out.

Yes, this is a third-person shooter.  You will, however, have access to a pretty nice variety of units, making this almost a strategy game at the third-person shooter level, forcing you to make decisions about which units to use in which situations.  You may need to use flamethrowers against infantry, bazookas against armor, anti-air units against aircraft, and so on.  I admit, I haven’t seen that many third person shooters involve quite so much strategy, but that’s still like saying it’s the least painful hammer to hit yourself with.

Perhaps another interesting issue with this game is that it’s uniquely well suited for the younger set.  For all the gunplay in this game, I don’t remember seeing any blood.  There are explosions, but these are really little more than bursts of color.  Enemies set on fire with your flamethrower simply fade out after a while.  I’ve heard about parents buying this game for children as young as seven despite the fact that it’s rated for teenagers.  Frankly, I’m not sure why this game rated a T myself–asides from the popgun-like effects of the gunfire there’s not much in the way of truly objectionable content here.  But that’s neither here nor there–I’d honestly say that T might be an overreaction on the ESRB’s part.

The game itself, meanwhile, is fun in a cartoony sort of way, with fairly decent sound and graphics, plus quite possibly one of the better third-person shooters I’ve played thanks to its heavy dollops of strategy and occasional humor.  You might want to take a run at Battalion Wars 2, if for no other reason than they try harder than most of the rest.

World Series of Poker 2008 Game Review–It’s A Niche Definer

You might think it’d be difficult to write a review about a poker game, especially one so thoroughly licensed and self-promoted as a World Series of Poker title.  Well, you’re going to be surprised by this one, because I certainly was.  It’s definitely a surprise to say that World Series of Poker 2008, now available for the Xbox 360, PC, Nintendo DS, PSP and both Playstations two and three, is actually a lot more fun than you’d expect.

Basically, in this game, you’re going to go plunging into the depths of Las Vegas, starting as a rookie to take on the greatest names in poker.  And seriously—you’ll be taking on some serious names.  Everybody from Johnny Chan to Annie Duke and the Devil Fish himself, David Ulliott, is here.  And you know it’s not complete without Phil “The Brat” Hellmuth himself in play.  You’ll be playing in dozens of casinos all over the strip—Harrah’s, the Rio, and plenty more.

I have to admit, I loved the World Series of Poker game.  I had a lot of fun figuring the odds of each current hand.  I liked staring down a guy who couldn’t stare back, considering just how likely the outcomes were.  Four hearts on the table…good chance someone’s got a flush.  But you can use that to your advantage, too.  You can act like YOU’VE got that flush, even if no one else does.

Yes, I just explained “bluffing”.  You’re welcome.

Sure, a little of the fun is leeched out of it—it’s tough to bluff people who have no emotions and operate according to the dictates of a microprocessor and RAM—but there’s still that element of fun involved.  You are effectively strategizing against a series of poker players that play at least reasonably like professionals.   And it’s even better if you can find live people to play against—it’s all the fun of a raging gambling addiction without having to sell your car if you have a bad night.  Seriously, you could go all in every hand and nothing would happen, because once you’re broke, you just pull the plug, fire up the power button and take another stab at it.

Of course, you could wind up winning millions and then have to realize that you’re dirt poor and your diet consists entirely of top ramen and sawdust, but that’s just the nature of the game.  The vicarious thrills of poker are all available to you.

The downside, of course, is that this is just a poker game.  It’s not like there’s going to be a whole lot of variety going on in this game.  You won’t get to commit crimes or find lost artifacts to bankroll your poker frenzy—you’ll basically just compete in tourneys or in cash games for the bankroll to compete in said tourneys.  It’s JUST poker.  And if you love poker, then you’re definitely going to be in for the battle of a lifetime when you go into the World Series of Poker 2008 and vie for the Battle of the Bracelets.  However, if you don’t absolutely love poker, then this one’s going to be a busted flush with an off-suit deuce in the river.

Mothballz Game Review–Don’t Try This At Home, Kids

Have you ever considered the difficulties involved with trying to kill moths…with a cannon?

I know, that got me too the first time I heard about recent addition to the Xbox Live community MothBallz–a game that requires you to do as I just said–kill moths with a cannon.  You’ll set the angle and the power level, then fire into the open room trying to kill the moths swarming around the light bulbs in the room…and do so without breaking the light bulbs.

This sounds a lot easier than it actually is, especially when you start getting multiple light bulbs involved, but sometimes you’ll actually be required to kill the light bulbs along with the moths.  This isn’t the kind of thing you see very often–I haven’t played a good round of bug killing since Stephen King’s F13.  And even better, you can enjoy all this bug killing frenzy for a measly two hundred Microsoft points.  You can almost hit the dollar menu for that kind of value.

It’s a fun little game, really, and at that kind of price, there’s almost no reason to NOT get it.

Death Tank Game Review–A Little Goes A Long Way

When you introduce a game called Death Tank into the world, you have certain expectations to live up to.  You expect lots of firepower and lots of vicious weapons and lots of awesome explosions.  You don’t, however, expect an old friend to come back and surprise you, and that’s just what happened for me.

Death Tank, recently released to Xbox Live Arcade, allows you to take control of tanks with a small arsenal of weapons, including cannon, machine gun and guided missiles to take on a series of other tanks.  Defeating your opponents allows you a cash budget to upgrade your own tank and improve the chance of killing everyone else.

When I said “an old friend”, I meant it.  There was a game a while back, in which you were required to input the angle and velocity of shots and fire on other cannons.  Death Tank is a lot like that game, only with a lot more movement and a lot less deliberation.

Death Tank is a surprisingly fun title, even if it doesn’t have a lot of replay value unless you get a group game going, then you’ll probably have even more fun with it.  But anyway, it’s a nice little title from Xbox Live and should give you occasional bits of fun for a long time, especially if you spread them out.  A little of this game goes a long way.

The Godfather II Game Review–New Features Aren’t Always Good

I’ll start this one off by saying that I was a huge fan of the original Godfather game. There was plenty to do, lots of variety—some driving, some killing, some strangling, some blowing stuff up and of course the sheer joy of watching the Corleone family crest occupy steadily more of the map.  I loved cruising Brooklyn and Hell’s Kitchen and Midtown and all those other great landmarks.  I came to know that I COULD take Broadway to get back to Corleone turf, and I even began to wonder if, thanks to this game, I might be so lost the next time I hit New York.  Sure, that’s probably a fool’s conclusion, but it’s potentially valid.

So why was I vaguely disappointed by the sequel?  Let’s take a look.

You kick things off down in Cuba as Dominic, the underboss to Aldo Trapani, the character you played in the previous Godfather.  Things are good, and times in Cuba could not look better—until the president is overthrown and Communism rears its ugly head.  This is, after all, 1958, and we’re in the midst of a cold war.  With Cuba no longer an option, the various crime families turn their attention back to New York, and that’s where you come in.  You’ll be out to muscle out the other crime families and make the various business safe for a Corleone to run, and you’ll do just that in New York, Florida, and eventually back down to Cuba to try and recover a stake in the once lost empire.

Don’t get me wrong here—I liked Godfather II.  There was a whole lot to like about it, what with the various things to do and all.  I could do pretty much everything I could do in the original Godfather and more.  In fact, the biggest new addition is an element of strategy called The Don’s View, a sort of map by which you can determine your next move constantly.  You’ll assign guards to take and hold fronts, and those guards cost—it comes out of your budget.  But each front you take and hold has various modifiers; bulletproof vests, cost adjustments to hiring guards, expanded clip sizes for your guns, so on and so forth.  Plus you can use it like a map, setting waypoints to guide you more easily to your next assault, or helping you find the business that’s under attack by a rival mob family.

So with so much more substance than the original, why am I disappointed?  Well, first off, I’m not terribly happy about the driving physics.  These cars felt like they were wallowing when I drove them—not so the first Godfather game, which offered me very smooth rides in the nicest cars, and even the midrange sedans weren’t that balky.  I also resent being forced to have a crew along—there are actually some buildings you won’t be able to get into, some missions you can’t accomplish, without having a crew member with a certain specialty in tow.  You can’t even break into a safe without a safecracker any more—used to be, one stick of TNT would do the job.  Now, no burglar, no payday.

I am a little disappointed by some of the new additions—it makes the game just a bit more cumbersome than it needs to be—but still, there’s plenty to do, and plenty of action, and all of it so much like the original that it’s not that bad.  There’s a lot to like here, and I definitely had a good time—you should too.

Zoids Assault Game Review–Story Packed But Dull As Dishwater

You know how I’m constantly railing against games that are all gameplay and no story?  How I wish, sometimes, plots would get deeper and richer and more fully realized? Well, today, I’ve seen the other end of the spectrum, and its name is Zoids Assault.

An extremely rare and hard to find title from the boys at Atlus, who for some reason don’t seem to be putting out a lot of product these days, Zoids Assault is a long and involved story, which is in turn part of a much longer and much more involved story, about two major nations at war.  The Guylos Empire and the Republic of Helic have been at each others’ throats for years, and this time around, we focus on two smaller appendages of these great bodies politic, Maroll and Jamil.  One of Marill’s military bases explodes under mysterious circumstances—which is odd enough by itself; explosions don’t tend to be mysterious, ever, they tend to be big, loud, and, in wartime, part of a series—and thus two covert operations teams are sent into their rival Jamil’s territory in response.  They’re probably on their way to do some damage in the best loud, grotesque military fashion available, but we’ll never know exactly what they were doing.  But what’s going on right now, with a cold war brewing between Maroll and Jamil, is irrevocably linked to events that happened around the end of the full shooting war between the Guylos Empire and the Republic of Helic, ten years prior.
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Sid Meier’s Pirates Game!–Repetitious Fun For All

It was one of my favorite original Xbox games, and now, thanks to the joy that is Xbox Live, one of my favorite Xbox 360 games.  It’s Sid Meier’s Pirates, and it’s a whole load of easy, casual fun.

It’s kind of hard to say that a console title can be casual too–but Sid Meier’s Pirates definitely qualifies.  You play as a young man who watched his family be sold into slavery along with all their assets following the disastrous wreckage of its merchant fleet.  As you grow into young adulthood, the memory of this injustice sears into your very soul and you set out to recover your family and their fortune.  Not to mention get revenge on the man responsible for it all, the evil Marquis.

There are a host of different ways to play Sid Meier’s Pirates–you can follow the main quest, and go hunting down the Marquis via a series of hints from mysterious strangers in taverns.  You can try to find your lost family.  You can turn bounty hunter and go after the notorious top ten pirates cruising the Caribbean, including legends like Jack Rackham, Captain Kidd and Edward “Blackbeard” Teach himself (bonus kudos to Sid Meyer and staff for INCLUDING the lengths of burning slowmatch that Teach would plait in his beard to give himself a glowing, smoke-shrouded appearance).  Or you can just run amok and turn pirate yourself, ransacking cargo vessels and treasure ships all along the Spanish main.  And if you can get an island’s governor to give you a letter of marque, it’s even technically legal!  It’s true–it’s called “privateering”, and as long as you go after the shipping of countries that the country that issued you the letter of marque is at war with, you can’t be tried as a pirate.
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Civilization: Revolution Review–Beer And Pretzels At Their Best

With all the strangeness going on on the geopolitical front these days, it’s nice that, sometimes, you can still find some international politicking that makes sense.  And leave it to Sid Meier to produce it with his game Civilization: Revolution.

In Civilization: Revolution, you’re out to become Ruler of the World by selecting a nation, as headed by one of its great mythical figures.  For instance, when playing as America, you’re led by Abraham Lincoln.  India is headed by no less than the Mahatma Gandhi himself, France is helmed by Napoleon Bonaparte, and so on.  From there, you’ll take your country of choice through the stone age all the way up to space exploration while trying to control the world through force of arms, through the sheer glory of your culture, through the glories of science by being the first civilization to develop space travel and reach Alpha Centauri, our nearest neighboring star system, or even through sheer force of economic might. Along the way, you’ll make alliances, make trade deals, fend off belligerent neighbors, and develop your own technological prowess to make yourself the super power you secretly long to be.

There’s definitely a lot to love about this game.  Beginners will get plenty of instructional help in the form of cartoonish advisors who show up on a regular basis and chip in their two cents about how your nation should be run.  You’ll have science advisors and economic advisors, cultural and military advisors.  You will not long for advice to help you through in the earliest stages of the game.

You’ll also have a panoply of game modes and options, including pre-built civilizations with specific growth targets in mind.   The graphics are fun and entertaining, and the gameplay is smooth and easy to work with.  It’s never an easy task to translate a PC title to console, so the sheer fact that there’s no reason to complain puts this ahead of a LOT of other titles.  It’s very nicely done.  There’s even a really great part of the game that kept my attention for hours—searching the planet.  Once you get to the point where you can make seagoing vessels, you can literally search the planet for ancient civilizations and long-lost technologies and all sorts of nifty stuff like that.  You’ll even get to find great places to settle satellite colonies, places near needed natural resources.  I remember the joy I had managing to find a cannon battery when the whole world was still trying to figure out gunpowder.  That cannon battery gave me a HUGE advantage, for a while.
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